I need to share something with you. I had a life changing experience a couple of weeks ago. I can’t share specifics. What I can tell you is that for a few terrifying moments, I was pretty damn sure I was going to die.
I’m not saying that for dramatic effect. In fact, I’ve vacillated between sharing my feelings in the blog or simply writing out my thoughts in my journal. Obviously, the blog won out.
Here’s why: I need to tell you that love is really all that matters. Truly. Love is ALL that really matters.
As morose as it may sound, I occasionally think about what it’s going to be like to lie on my deathbed. Funny how I assumed I would have that luxury. I play that scenario out to see what needs to be revisited, healed, or just let go.
I can definitively tell you this: in those seconds and minutes that I was sure were my last, I did not think about how much money I had or didn’t have. I did not think about how much I lost in my divorce, or the house that I spent years paying into but no longer owned. I did not spend a nanosecond thinking about how much I weighed, or wish I weighed, or the fact that I hate my thighs. I couldn’t have cared less about my job, or my title, or my rank in the hierarchy of corporate Canada.
All that I thought about was love. How much I loved my boyfriend, and how I would never get to kiss him, or hold his hand ever again. How we spent so much time trying to figure out how to be together, and where to live, and that we were never actually going to have a chance to experience it. I thought about how much I loved my daddy, and how devastated he was going to be when he found out what happened. I saw the faces of my cousins, nieces, nephews, godson, step-mom, aunts, and uncles flash in front of me like an old family movie projected on the basement wall and I thought “God, I hope they know how much I love them.” They’ve each made such a positive impact on my life. I thought about my two amazing best friends, and how very much I would miss them. I thought about the new life I worked so hard to create.
Afterwards, in the safety of my home, I thought about the time I spent worrying about all of the things that didn’t really matter, when what I should have been focusing was on love. For myself, for my life, for my love, for my family, for my friends, for strangers. I spent some time sending love to all of them. I even sent love to the person who put my life in danger.
These last couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle. My body is still working to rid itself of the adrenaline and the fear. My mind is trying to process and put things into perspective. Despite that, I know I’ll be fine. More than fine, actually, because I’m going to spend the rest of my time focusing on what really matters, and I will keep reminding myself to let all the other bullshit go. When my time actually comes, I will stare love in the face and I will say: “thank-you.”